Saturday, January 08, 2005

They had fucked.

I don't know what this post is going to be about, but I've got so much turmoil inside of me that I feel like I need to write just to get some of it out. So here goes...

N, N, N. Our relationship is so strange, we seem to go in spurts. Just the other day, I was blogging about how good of a time we had shopping and were getting along great, and now it seems like we are just the opposite. The past two days she has not been lovey and affectionate like she was earlier in the week. I don't know exactly why. We got dinner tonight from a local store and took it to her house to eat. Things went fine there and for most of the evening considering how I was feeling. I decided to come home so I could do some blogging and play some Halo.

When I got home, she had messaged me so I responded and we started a conversation. I decided to ask her a question that had been nagging me all day. I aske her what was going on between her and dude. You see, I saw the other morning that she had stayed over at his house, and today I drove by her house at Noon to drop some stuff off while she was at work. Dude was there, presumably sleeping in her bed. (From what I gather, he is a lazy ass son of a bitch and sleeps all the time.) That hurt me deep inside just the way finding out she stayed over at his place the other night did. Then this evening as I was helping her straighten her house up, I was picking up and found an extra towel folded and crumpled next to her bed. I knew instintivly what this meant. They had fucked. How do I know this, well, whenever we used to fuck we would always use a towel underneath us to keep the sheets from getting sex juices all over them. We would fold the towel and half and use it from there. Sure enough, the towel I found was folded in half and had sex juices all over it. Damn, Fuck, Shit. Bang, right in the heart.

But, I digress, I asked her what was going on knowing full well what is going on. She told me nothing and that she didn't want to talk about it. Then, she proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to discuss it with me because it was none of my business. That is not good. Usually, we discuss everything, and only a handful of times since I have known her has she told me something wasn't my business. Those times, things weren't good either. So, I dont' know. I don't know where we stand, I don't know where they stand, I don't know where anyone stands. Fuck love. I wish I didn't love her so much, I wish I could let go, I wish I didn't torture myself, I wish it didn't hurt soo much. But I can't, and so I go on, a tortured, tormented soul, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had a thought the other day that readers might not understand why I seem to be so hard on N about the dude, but I talk about O all the time. It seems like there is a double standard, but I don't believe there is. We are in this situation, because she chose it. She wants it this way, not me. That's why I feel like I can be hard on her but still have O, and talk about her differently that I talk about the dude. I like O, I really do, I want to see her but she is in my life for my sanity. If I had it my way it would be N, she would be my one my only, but she isn't and I need something to keep my mind off of her, I guess that would be O. I hope I don't end up hurting her with all of this, because she knows nothing of my life with N. Oh, god I don't know... Aaargh.
Hoping for some clarity.

Now that I've written you a long, boring, mundane book of my stuggles I sign off. I hope you are still reading and haven't deserted yet.

I welcome your feedback.

Mood: Dejected
Music: Dave Matthews Band

I was pretty harsh when I wrote this, mostly because of the mood I was in. I didn't really mean all the things I said about N. The problem is, I just love her so much. Too much. But that's my own fault and my problem.


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