Thursday, April 07, 2005

Comfortable in my own skin

It was one year ago Monday that my life took a turn. In some aspects for the worse, some for the better. This will be a several part series that will recount a pivotal time in my life.

If you're just joining us now, you missed a brilliant speech lets go now live to Part I: On Being Fat and find out what the voters think.

Then, go read the fun post where N tells me Part II: "J, I need a break."

Part III: Comfortable in my own skin

For whatever reason, the whole situation with N killed my appetite. I don't know what it was, but I was so nervous and bent out of shape about everything that my appetite was gone.

It started slowly, but I began to lose weight. I was only eating just a little. Skipping breakfast, eating small amounts for lunch and eating just a little something for dinner. Snacking was gone. I started to drink vast amounts of water during the day. So much so that I peed sometimes 20 times a day.

As things sort of settled down with N, I became used to eating less. The weight really started to drop off of me. Sometimes, I was losing as much as five to 8 pounds in a week. I was taking in a minimal amount of calories, which I began to count religiously.

When the weight started to drop off, I was not eating not because I wasn't hungry, but because I saw the benefits of not eating and I started to like losing weight. It became supremely satisfying to step on the scale and have it say just a little less each day. It was almost as if I became addicted to not eating and to losing weight. When I would step on the scale, and it would read the same as the last time, I would get disappointed.

This continued throughout the spring well into the summer, when I started to eat a little more, and my weight began to stabilize. Those around me were happy for me that I lost so much weight, but they were also concerned too. Where as I used to hear, "you don't to eat that", I was now hearing, "J, you really need to eat something."

My weight dropped from about 220 all the way down to 160. I was skinnier than I had been in years. My watch became so loose, it would slide all over my wrist. My stretch marks faded and became less pronounced (although I don't think they will ever go away, the scars are permanent). I became much more limber and didn't have a gut to get in my way when rolling over.

I'm healthier and happier about myself now. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I am still unhappy with parts of my body and very paranoid about getting fat again though.

It's funny that such a traumatic time in my life could have such negative consequences in one aspect (love) and such positive impacts in others (life, health).

Part IV soon.

Mood: Relieved
Music: Blink 182


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