Friday, January 13, 2006

I'd leave without even looking back.

I had a nice first part of the day today. I internetted, I Seinfelded, I read, I ate, I napped. It really couldn't have been much better considering my circumstances. I went in to work at four. I ended up working until about ten fifty which wasn't too bad.

I had another bout of depression, or gloomyness at work today. I'm glad that working retail isn't going to be my career, I don't think I could do it. It's just so meaningless, so capitalist. I don't think the people at work like me too much. They are friendly to me but aren't exactly reaching out. I think they think I'm a bit strange/weird/off. I know that if I were in their shoes I would handle the situation differently. If I had someone I was training and they were from out of town, had no friends and were living in a hotel, I'd invite them over to have dinner, drink, or go out. I was hoping to hit it off better with them and maybe even become friends. It doesn't appear that's going to happen.

I was talking to N about it, telling her what was going on and how I was feeling. She agreed with me and we came to the conclusion that the world isnt' as thoughtful as we tend to be. Oh well. This time next week, I'll be in my bed at home. Sleeping with my beagle. I can make it.

The whole thing with N dating this guy and taking him home with her still gets to me. It probably always will. I read Postsecret ( and if you don't you should start. It's good stuff. Last week, there was a postsecret that read something to this effect: I'm in my sixties. I have a wonderful family and a loving wife. I love them dearly but if the girl that I fell in love with at college walked through the door and asked me to leave with her, I'd leave without even looking back.

I don't want to be old, married and content yet still feel that way about N. At this point, I'm afraid that's how I'm going to turn out. It's been two years since our relationship ended and I still can't get over her. I still feel about her they way I've always felt. There are things about her that drive me nuts but if I had the chance, I'd probably marry her tomorrow. I don't know why I can't get past her and why my heart breaks every time she speaks of another guy. It is jelousy but it isn't really like that, it's more heartbreak than anything that she isn't with me.

All that has been leaving me in a funk. I hope I can get out of it soon. I'm not usually a down person and I hate being depressed, its leaves me so helpless feeling.


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